Blogger MIA

I haven't disappeared from the face of the earth, I promise!

There's been a lot going on in my little world here lately, much of which isn't really blog-worthy. The biggest reason for my absence, though, is that of abject exhaustion. For a variety of reasons, I have just been so run down lately. I've even been taking naps!!! On Monday, I found a little hiding place and took a nap at work after lunch. It's just crazy.

I'm dreading looking forward to a very busy April. I'm out of town April 1-3, April 8-9, and April 26-May 4. It's crazy!!!

Your Own Personal Ghosts...

Have you ever stumbled upon something that drags you kicking and screaming into reminds you of your past? Be it an old photo, email, journal entry, whatever, it just sneaks up on you.

That happened to me today. I signed into an old email account to get right of some junk and found myself reading old emails that were best forgotten. I'm reminded of the person I used to be, the people I used to love, and all the hurt I've sustained and survived. This is a bittersweet journey, to say the least.

While I know that I am a far happier and more balanced person now, sometimes I miss the way things were. I miss the friendships of the past. I miss the carefree evenings out on the town. I miss the excitement of wondering "what if". I miss feeling like all paths are open to me.

There are far more things, though, that I don't miss. I don't miss feeling like my heart is going to break on a daily basis. I don't miss agonizing over relationships. I don't miss feeling like my entire worth is based on how others see me. I don't miss feeling like it's my job to make others happy. I don't miss not knowing how to move on from a life that was so familiar and safe.

I guess I'm just realizing that while this life is "a work in progress," there's already been a lot more progress than I once thought. I'm proud of the woman I am. She's not a girl, dependent on others to show her the way. She is a strong woman, creating her own opportunities and experiencing love in so many ways. I never thought I'd get here.

To Test or Not To Test

That is the question.

For those of you that don't know, my fabulous husband and I have been trying to conceive (TTC) since November '08. I know that doesn't sound like very long, but believe me, I feel like it's been ages!

Pre-BCP, my cycle was always 28 days-on-the-dot. The first two months post-BCP was still 28 days, then it slipped to 30, and last month it was Thirty. Five. Days. I was, first of all, pissed, but also completely convinced that I was knocked up. That was not fun, and Mike got upset that I got my hopes up. I can't really explain to him how hard it is to have my body going haywire after so many years of knowing exactly what to expect. Men...

So anyway, today is Day 28, and no nothing (I know we all know what I'm talking about, but I can't bring myself to be graphic). I'm trying to figure out how my body is adjusting and how to know when late is actually late. I had my annual check-up on February 23, and talked about all things conception with my doctor (who is new, but I love, by the way). She asured me that, yes, my body is still adjusting and it will just take time.

I wish I didn't know so many people who got a BFP (big fat positive) their first month off the pill. Grrr...

Blogging Tapas

I've had trouble keeping up with my life and blogging at the same time, so here are a few tasty treats from the world of Becky...

~ Last weekend was my nephew's 7th birthday. First of all, this is the greatest kid in all creation...he's smart, polite, funny, and has a wide variety of interests. My grandmother got him a biography of Barack Obama. Sounds funny right? Well, when Logan opened it, his response was, "Yes! I wanted this one!" Who says we don't grow democrats in Kansas? Look for the picture of his gap-toothed excitement with my Weekly Winners on Sunday.

~I got my own brand of crack Blackberry!!! I love it! I love getting my email, I love getting facebook updates, I love chatting with friends, I love playing BrickBreaker! My favorite part, though? The fact that my job considered it to be a necessary expense and paid for it. Can't beat that.

~I get to go to Florida!!! I bought my plane tickets this week to go to a work-related conference in Orlando, FL. That will strike one more state off my list, giving me 21 states that I've spent a significant amount of time (at least over night) in. The best part, though, is that I get to visit my aunt. She's lived in St. James City (an island off the Gulf Coast) for about three years. She is going to drive the three hours to Orlando to get me and I'll spend the weekend with her after my conference is over. I could not be more excited!

~I had The Plague this week. Some might call it a cold, but I'm here to tell you otherwise. I was practically dead on my feet Tuesday...my boss even forced me to go home early. I went to bed at 8:30 two nights in a row! I'm starting to feel better, but every once in a while it still jumps me. My eyes are watery and my head is at least twice its normal size. Stay tuned for the inevitable two-month cough that will follow.

Wow...I thought I would have more to say than that. I guess I'm more boring than I realized. Oh well.

Touched

Today I got to have lunch and go for a walk with a dear friend. She, at only 24, lost her father a month ago to Leukemia. This was sudden and unexpected, he presented with pneumonia just one week before. Needless to say, it completely rocked her world as she knew it. I have watched this dear friend struggle to come to grips with this and all that she has experience since her father's death. She is learning about herself and her father.

Despite all this grief and transition that she is experiencing, she has been thinking about others and wanting to help those that she cares about. We are very likely going to lose my mother-in-law to cancer in the next year. She has been through three rounds of treatment and is ready to stop. My dear friend has offered to speak with my husband and had a number of conversations with me. She has talked about how she feels, how her husband (of four months) is reacting, and how things are between them. She has given me some things to think about and be ready for when Mike begins his grieving process.

These aren't things that I want to think about yet, but I'm so touched by her generosity. It takes a truly special person to reach out to others while in such deep grief. I just hope that I can show someone the same grace and understanding someday that my dear friend has shown me.

What Is Your Body Telling You?

So a couple weeks ago I posted about my husband and I going on a...gasp...diet. Not diet, really, but just trying to eat healthier to be healthier. Well, I gotta tell you, I've been damn good. And to top that off, I've been feeling damn good. I know what you're thinking...it's only been two weeks, but the enormity of the change struck me after a little fall from grace last night.

I had to go out of town for work, and after getting lost trying to find my hotel (that's a whole other story), I did not feel like going out and getting something good to eat. The font desk guy (with a horribly hilarious speech impediment) informed me that Old Chicago delivers to my hotel. I usually get the buffalo chicken tenders w/ fries. As if that's not bad enough, something compels me to get an order of mozzarella sticks as well. And then, when I go down to meet the delivery chick, I get a 20-oz. bottle of real Coke from the vending machine. Oh the horror!!! I tell myself that I'm out of town...I can splurge, plus, I've been way better behaved than Mike, so it's only fair.

This is when my body kicked in it's opinion. First of all, I could only stomach a little more than half of my food. I did, however, down the entire bottle of sugary-liquid goodness. Second of all, I had the worst bloated feeling and tons of burping last night. Not pleasant at all. Then, when I woke up this morning, my stomach really let me know what it thought. Ugh!!!

Anyway, before I get anymore graphic...it made me realize how good I had been feeling and how filling my body with all that junk last night really did me in. I felt awful!

So now I'm psyched. I have a new-found determination to stick to my plan. Don't get me wrong, I still have to do some breathing exercises when I see the Reese's Easter Eggs in the store, but I can handle it. As a testament to that thought, I'll go ahead and tell you that today I drove past numerous McDonald's and Wendy's, but came right home to a turkey sandwich and salad. Now, if that isn't almost saint-like, I don't know what is.

Alphabet Soup - A & B

Just a few of my favorite things. It may take me a while, but I'll work my way through the alphabet eventually. I got this meme from my cousin, Meshelleyn.

Apple juice - This is by far my favorite fruit juice, and I prefer to drink it at room temperature.

Aunties - I have the best Auntie in the world and I miss her dearly now that she is no longer home in Kansas. I also love being an auntie (or Titi, as the nephews put it), and have the greatest nephews ever!!!

Animals - I have three fabulous familiars that roam my house - Kitty, Nina, and Bella. I also love wild animals and am completely inspired by people who work with animals. If I could start over again, I'd love to be a wildlife rehabilitator.

Amber - This is my favorite stone and I'm building up a small collection of jewelry with amber. I love the way it looks with my red hair, and I just always feel good when I'm wearing it.

Books - I can not even begin to describe how much I love reading. I think it sometimes drives Mike crazy because I'll spend entire days reading when I can. I prefer to own my own books rather than go to the library, because I will read a book over and over. I do, however, have a nice little book exchange going with my friend, Mary. I love that we have such similar tastes!!!

Blogs - I am such a wanna be blogger, but I love reading other blogs. Doing so is one of my favorite things to do in the morning, and something I really look forward to.

Bags - Though I have recently learned to control myself, I love purses and bags!!!

Boulevard Wheat - There's just nothing like a cold Bully Wheat with lemon on a hot day! Just saying this makes me really wish that this crazy schizophrenic Kansas winter was over all ready.

Beverly Hills 90210 - *blushes* I can't help it. I love the old reruns. I could sit and watch the old Kelly-Dylan-Brenda love triangle unfold for hours!!! I even started watching the new version with all those painfully skinny teenyboppers, but we no longer get the CW in Lawrence. *sigh*

Birthdays - I especially love my birthday and will celebrate for days and days if I can. I also love celebrating for other people and doing things for them. Everyone should get excited about that one day that is simple all about them.

Barack Obama - Love him! I am so thrilled to see how his presidency unfolds and how the entire world responds to the changes he will bring about.

Becky - That's me. I'm proud to add this one. The last three or four years have been a big time of healing for me. It's never been too bad, but self-esteem just does not come easily for me.

I'm going crazy, because I'm sure there is so much more that I could add. I guess these really must be my favorite things, though, since they just jumped to mind.

What are your favorite things?

Welcome, Mr. President

The two greatest things I heard today: "President Barack Obama" and "Former President Bush"...beautiful!

I feel truly lucky that I was able to take the time out of my day to witness this moment in history. I am very much looking forward to the next several years. I welcome the tide of change.

Did You Drink the Kool-Aid?

So last weekend I went to the grocery store with my mom and we ran into a girl that I grew up with. We had been friends in elementary and middle school and then grew apart about the time I joined the marching band and she joined the drill team. Does that paint a picture, or what!?

So me...I'm 5'7" and voluptuous. My hair, which is naturally blonde, is dyed red. I have two tattoos (neither of which are openly visible) and 8 piercings (left year: two in lobe, one in cartilage, one in tragus; right ear: three in the lobe; nose). I have a good work wardrobe, but dress pretty casual outside of work. I'm commonly seen in jeans and a sweater or shirt. Honestly, my dress style is probably bordering on preppy at times. I wear some jewelry: my wedding rings, a thumb ring with a Celtic-style design, various simple earrings, and an amber necklace from time to time. I wouldn't consider my style to be wildly liberal or overly conservative. I'm just me.

And her...She's 5'10" and size 6. The only visible piercings are one diamond stud in each ear. She's wearing jeans, a sweater set, high heeled boots, and a strand of pearls (what 28-year-old wears a strand of pearls!?). She is blonde, blonde, blonde, and I swear that she has had some "work" done. Her face didn't used to look like that.

Let me tell you...I have never felt quite so short and stubby in my entire life!!! I think I must have been sick the day that they passed around the Stepford Wife Kool-Aid. How about you?

Before and After Pictures of the Loveliness that is Me
(Senior in High School and Now...10 Years Later)

A Healthier Us...

For someone who doesn't believe in New Year's Resolutions, this year is going to be a doozy. After some serious, honest, heartfelt conversation (and yes, there may have been some crying), Mike and I have decided to make some changes in our lives. While getting pregnant continues to be a goal for us, we have realized that we would like to bring a child into a far healthier home and lifestyle than the one we currently have.

Better eating, more exercise, quitting smoking (for Mike, anyway)...

As for better eating, my big focus is going to be on buying far less processed foods. I am guilty of running a "boxed foods" kitchen ever since I've lived alone. Hamburger helper, canned soup, and macaroni and cheese have been staples. I send Mike to work with frozen meals for lunch. While this may have saved a small amount of time and $$$, I think we've been suffering in other ways, namely sodium intake and over-eating. I plan to attack this goal through regular meal planning, sticking to the shopping lists, and "Shopping the Sides". I refuse to be totally unrealistic, though. I will continue to have a small amount of snacks in the house, because total denial leads to binging hardcore.

We haven't talked much about the exercise aspect of our little plan yet. I attend a twice-weekly water aerobics class and am committing myself to working harder during each class. We have talked about going to a gym together...making that our evening routine rather than the current one of sitting in front of the TV for hours when nothing is on...but we have yet to explore how to make that fit into our budget and also have it be convenient enough that we'll stick to it.

Now, Mike quitting smoking...I'm a little nervous. He's going to the doctor today and wants to ask him about Chantix and other stop-smoking methods. I'm all for finding ways to support stopping, but I've heard some bad things about the drugs they use. Depression, hallucinations, suicidal thoughts...this is bad news. I would love for him to quit smoking, be healthier, and smell better, but I don't want to lose the man that I love so much. I'm very fearful of what his quitting will do to his personality and our relationship. I've always been one to say that it has to be his decision and that I will support him no matter what, so we'll see how it works out. I'm secretly hoping that the doctor advises him against drugs and to try good ole' fashion will power.

Anyway...wish us luck!!!

Back to Real Life

Today I'm going to go to my office for a while, thus ending my fabulous Winter Break. I'm not thrilled, but you gotta do what you gotta do, and a few hours in the office today will make 8 hours on Monday far less painful.

In the past, I have hated long breaks from school or work. After a few days I've gotten extremely bored and restless. This year, something has shifted. I have become proficient at being a lazy douche and have actually ENJOYED it!!!

Don't get me wrong. I've been somewhat productive...finishing my nephew's scrapbook, baking, laundry, cleaning...the normal things. I even took down the dying Christmas tree! Between all those "productive" things, though, there has been an obscene amount of Rock Band, TV, reading (I finished both of my Christmas books and one that I borrowed from a friend. I have nothing else to read right now.), movies, and even napping. I love it!

So...Happy New Year to one and all! I hope that moving back into the rigors of real life is smooth and painless. Have a good one!!!

Checked Out...

It is the last day before Christmas break and my boss is out of the office. How productive do you think I'm capable of being today? My guess is not very.

Yes, I have some emails to send and calls to make, but that's about the extent of it. In preparation for today's attitude, I brought some cropping things with me to start on my nephew's book. I'm excited about that.

Men...Well, My Man

So last night I lovingly (or maybe naggingly, I don't know) reminded my husband that he had an audit at work today, maybe he should take a shower and shave before going to bed, and I got the wrath...well, a snarky, biting comment that is Mike's equivalent of wrath. "Yes dear, anything else?" Ooo...pissed! Big time!

Let's go back and recap the rest of the evening...I offered to go to the store in the freezing weather, I helped him take out the mass of trash that had accumulated in our kitchen, I cleaned up our dinner dishes from the night before, I made him a nice dinner (omelets and biscuits), we watched TV together, and I initiated sex. Where in the course of this evening did I do anything that was deserving of that behavior? Maybe it was carried over frustration from yesterday morning when I woke him up on time and dug his clean pants (that I cleaned and folded, by the way) out of the yet-to-be-put-away laundry. Hmmm...I still don't see it.

So here it is. What I have gathered from his attitude is this...he, apparently, would be far better off without my help or input on his daily routine. HA!

This morning, I vowed not to help him in any way. I got up, took the dog out (Tuesday is my day), got ready, and leisurely made myself some Chai. Finally, when one of his alarms went off at 7.20 (he has a 45 minute drive to be to work by 8), I said..."Were you planning on going to work today?" Innocent. Loving. Sadly, it felt kind of good watching him bustle and rush around knowing full well that he still had to get all the snow off his car and drive at snail speed (our town doesn't exactly clear the roads).

I wish that I could be a total bitch and cut him off from my help. I could not get his items when I go to the store, only wash two loads of laundry rather than four, and enjoy my mornings without having to drag him out of bed. What do you think he would do that first day that he realizes that he's out of clean underwear? when he sees me making a yummy dinner that is just enough for me? I'm not thinking it would be a pretty picture.

Luckily for him, I'm loving and forgiving. Tonight I will go to the store and get his lunches and soda along with the things that I want. This weekend, I will wash the laundry while he sleeps in. I will be the wonderful wife that he is used to.

I do think, however, that I will continue my freeze outs in the mornings. He had better figure out how to get his own ass up on time. Love only goes so far.

This Thing Called Blog

How funny it is that you get on here and write your thoughts and deepest fears and desires for strangers to read. How funny that you can eaves drop on someone's life that you will likely never meet. How funny that you can be so affected by someone's pain when you have never seen their smile or heard their voice.

Today I got on to check all my favorite blogs and was saddened to see that Lotus (aka Sarcastic Mom) has lost a baby for the second time this year. My heart weeps for her.

So here I am, this girl who has no readers (to my knowledge), writing to myself, feeling so terrible for someones whose life I've been following for several months now. I looked at the comments from her post and it seemed like several people were feeling as I did, one reader capturing it perfectly:

"There are no words but 'I’m sorry.' There is this weird lopsided cyber-relationship in that I follow your life through your blog, and you don’t even know I exist, but know that there is one more person out there who wishes she could hug you."

I said what I felt, but just couldn't help thinking what it is like for her to read those messages. How strange must it feel to know that virtual strangers are sad for your loss. Does that make her feel loved? supported? blessed? Does she feel offended? like no one could possible understand how she's feeling right now?

How strange the world is now in the age of technology. We have trouble finding the time to write a letter or make a phone call to the people that matter most to us, but we publish our personal victories and tragedies for any and all to read.

The Family Tree

Yesterday Mike and I headed out to find that perfect tree to bring home and make fancy. After looking through five different lots, we found the Scotch Pine just for us. Its trunk was a little wonky, but after some struggle, we got it into our stand. It's not the perfect tree, but we love it. One side is much fuller than the other, so we had to angle it in the stand to keep it from falling over. Overall, it looks crooked, but it's got character.

So we, once again, had our familiar debate: Themed Fancy Tree vs. Family Three.

Mike's mother favors the Themed Fancy Tree. It is gorgeous! All of her ornaments are silver and gold and she typically uses lots of ribbon and little twisty guys. There is nothing that speaks of family tradition on her tree, but it is very pretty to look at.

The trees I grew up with were bright, colorful, slightly gaudy, and full of meaning and family tradition. Unwrapping the ornaments was special; laughter and tears were not far from the surface as we found all our favorites. We all knew that the ugly dog ornament gets hidden in the back and that the angel bell goes right in the front. We all talked about where the ornaments came from and which ones we wanted to have when we were grown and out of the house. We knew that if my brother took Snoopy, I was sure to lay claim to Garfield. Our tree had many beaded and over-glued school creations.

I think, now that we have put up the second tree since being married, Mike is seeing the merit of a Family Tree. He even went to his mom and gathered a handful of ornaments that he remembers from his early years, and rushed to make sure that his teapot was the first go to up in a prominent spot. We laughed at the little clay bell that read "Mike, Head Start, 1986" on the back. I showed him my favorites from my grandma's tree and told him the stories behind the ones I've had ever since I can remember. We talked about the ornaments that we've added to our own collection and how next year we will hopefully be adding one that says "Baby's First Christmas".

And then, when boxes were empty and lights were plugged in, we cuddled on the couch and looked at our work. His childhood, my childhood, our life together...all mixed lovingly on one tree. Maybe it is not the kind of tree you will ever see in a magazine spread. Maybe it is not quite up to Martha Stewart's expectations, but it is our tree.

At Home At Last!!!

I just have to say that my October and November have been absolutely crazy so far! In two months, I was out of town 7 times and spent a total of 11 nights in hotels. Ridiculous!!! Now I am home, and I don't have to go out of town for work again until January 7. I would like to thank any available deity for that small gift!

Things I'm looking forward to right now:

• Seeing the Twilight midnight premier Thursday/Friday at midnight
• Having the day off on Friday
• Only having a two-day work week next week (I'm not really, however, looking forward to Thanksgiving...)
• My birthday!!!
• My body learning to regulate itself

So in case that last one sounds odd, I'll explain...I am now off of Vitamin P (also known as birth control) for the first time in almost 9 years. Our current plan is to give my body some time to relax and then begin trying for a family in 2009...February, maybe. I'm pretty psyched about this prospect. I've always known that I wanted to be a mother, and it's so exciting watching Mike get used to the idea of being a father. Lets just hope that we have something really exciting to celebrate this time next year!!!

Ridiculously Busy October...

So I realize that I haven't been creative enough to get anything down in a while. I didn't even have pictures to post yesterday! How sad is that!? I know that there are just no excuses, but I'm going to try...

My work schedule is absolute hell this month. Out of any given week, I'm spending at least one night not in my own bed. I'm in Salina three times, Kansas City, and Wichita. Not to mention the fact that my biggest event that I've planned to date is coming up in November. That's going to take a sh*t-ton of time!!!

I am glad to report, however, that I received my one-year evaluation last Friday, and it was just glowing. Apparently my shit, in fact, does not stink. I am gods gift to executive directors and non-profit organizations everywhere. Joking aside, though, I was happy to see that my boss is more than pleased with my performance and will be recommending an "alteration" to my salary at the board meeting this week. I'm assuming that that means a raise, so I'm sort of pumped.

So, in summary, I will try my darnedest to get on here from time to time, but I'm really not expect too much. Happy October!!!

Fun Photo Survey...

Go to photobucket [dont sign in] Type in your answer to the question in the "search"box.

Use only the first page! Copy the HTML & paste for the answer


What is your relationship status?



What is your favorite color?



Who is your celebrity crush?



What band/artist did you last listen to?



Last move you watched?



What is your dream vacation?



What is your favorite beverage?



What is your favorite sport?



What is your favorite food?



How old are you?



What color are your eyes?

Bored at Work and the Presidential Election

So here it is...

My boss has been out of the office for more than two weeks (and doesn't come back until next Thursday) and I'm bored! You would think that I'd enjoy the freedom, but trust me, it gets old. I'm doing the work that I need to do, but I just don't feel pushed to go above and beyond when left to my own devises.

You may wonder what it is, then, that I do for eight hours a day. I check email, I read blogs, I listen to Pandora.com, and I read and read and read anything and everything that has to do with the presidential election. List serves and articles and youtube, oh my!!!

So the entire country, including misdirected women looking to follow another woman (any woman), are all caught up in this Palin woman. I'm an avid Obama supporter, but I will admit that I got caught up in it. Reading about all her lies and shortcomings, hoping to any available deity that the truth comes out and people see her for what she is...

Then I read this article on the Huffington Post. I love how Arianna Huffington puts it. It's not that the questions and accusations about Palin aren't valid, it's just that she's not who we need to focus on. The McCain campaign, along with Palin, has been very successful in distracting the entire nation from what matters most...the issues.

Obama needs to get back to talking about his plans and pointing out that McCain doesn't seem to have any. I think he's very smart and can talk about what matters while making sure the GOP doesn't completely buffalo the public.

Here's hoping...we need him!

Camping and Fall Weather...

I'm so glad that this weather held out until after Labor Day.

Just as last year, Mike, Bella, and I embarked on a four-day camping experience over Labor Day weekend. It was wonderful! I love how you can pack up, go away for a few days, and come home completely refreshed! Just as last year, we met some amazing new people and also got to see some old friends. Bella even socialized a little bit! I thought it was hot out at camp, but when sleeping in the wide open, I would much rather be warm than freeze my ass off!

I'm thoroughly enjoying the fall weather we've had this week. I would enjoy it much better if I couldn't see my breath in my office, but that's another story. The cool brings me thoughts of sweaters, falling leaves, pumpkins, and soup. I love it!!!